Beginner's Guide to BDSM
The low-down on BDSM
So now the hype around 50 Shades of Grey has died down, life in the bedroom can return to normal. Or can it? And what’s normal anyway? Like it or loathe it, 50 Shades has sparked an interest in BDSM, leaving many wives frustrated, and many husbands surprised.
But how do you start, and what are the rules?
Luckily for you, we have compiled a list of beginner’s rules for all things BDSM, and you WILL read it.
Cut the Ties
Or at least make them cuttable. We’re talking about restraints, of course, the first thing people think about when they talk about bondage. But unless you know the right way to go, you really will be tying yourself up in knots.
Don’t do as Mr. Grey did and go straight for the cable ties – one pull of those babies and all circulation is lost. The name of the game might be pain, but you want the right sort, so use something soft, like a silk tie, or wrist cuffs with a buckle. Unless you want to end up with a double amputee situation. And a probable charge for assault.
The Right (Bed) Frame of Mind
Not all bed frames lend themselves to BDSM, so what happens if you really fancy a little DIY bondage, but have nothing to anchor your partner to? Necessity is the mother of invention, my friends. You can buy specially made restraint straps which go under the mattress, but if you are new to the game, or just want to ‘try before you buy’, check out your nearest cycle/hardware/car store and invest in a couple of bungee straps. Those suckers are strong, and more than enough to hold your writhing partner in place.
Respect your Partner
It should go without saying that BDSM should only be undertaken when both parties are completely in agreement. NEVER coerce your partner into it. So, assuming you are both up for it, it’s time, before anything else happens, to introduce a safe word or gesture. Once you hear it, stop what you’re doing immediately. Choose a word that you wouldn’t normally use, so there can be no doubt, and make sure it’s one which you will both remember and recognize. If either party uses the safe word, that’s time to switch off the kink and go vanilla for some reassurance and love.
Dominant or Submissive?
You might not know which type you are, especially if you’re just starting out, and who says you have to? Try both. Good sex is all about experimenting and finding what suits you, and you won’t know til you try, right? You might think you want full control and power, but then find that being submissive is an even bigger turn on, or vice versa. Dip your toe in the water, so to speak, and see what floats your boat.
Start Small
If you want to try being dominant, start with just telling your partner what to do. It might have been discussed before, or it might come as a huge surprise, but few people can resist an assertive partner when it comes to the bedroom. Don’t ask, just tell. And don’t say please or thank you. Want him to take you from behind? Tell him exactly that, no ifs ands or butts (see what we did there?). If you want your woman to go down on you, tell her in no uncertain terms. The caveat to this is that if there is any sign of hesitation or unwillingness, don’t take it any further – BDSM must be consensual.
Sober is as Sober Does
You might be tempted to partake in a little (or a lot) of liquid courage, but don’t. Trust us, BDSM needs to be approached completely sober. We all know inhibitions fall when we’re drunk, which you might think would make it easier, but in the cold light of day, you will regret it. You could be tempted to take things too far, fuelled by alcohol, and it’s easy to cross the line, especially when it comes to things like spanking. You don’t want to wake up to the police knocking on your door because the merlot made you too brave.
Set the Scene
BDSM, or at least part of it, can start outside the home. Eating out is a great chance to assert yourself, so if you fancy being the dominant, start by telling your partner what they will eat, and order for them (but don’t whatever you do, order them satay if they have nut allergies – safety first, always). Keep the theme going all evening. Similarly, if you wish to be the submissive, let your partner take over (tell them first though, or they might think you are simply being wet, and we don’t mean in the aroused sense). Set the scene long before you hit the bedroom.
Get the Tools of the Trade
There are plenty of items lying about the house to experiment with when you first start out on this road to BDSM nirvana, so if you aren’t sure if it’s for you, just look around. Wooden spoons make excellent spanking tools, as do hairbrushes (with the added benefit of bristles for a different sensation). Items of clothing can be used to tie your partner up, and freshly removed underwear makes a great gag. Once you know it’s for you, you can progress to buying some ‘toys’ – there is no end to the things you can buy which blur that line between pleasure and pain, so browse the catalog together and see what you like or don’t like.
Sex is about having a good time.
You are entitled to the delightful pleasures which come from responsible, creative BDSM play. But remember, if it’s not consensual, it’s assault. Make sure you both know what you’re doing, and always err on the side of caution. Both parties must be ready for it. Be safe, and have fun.
